Sometimes I try so hard to please other people I loose my ways. Most of the time it is just small things, an hour or two over time at work, eating out at restaurants that my friends enjoy, or just emptying that extra glass or two of "social business" drinks, because it is the polite thing to do at business dinner.
I know these are just compromises in life, and life is about taking a little and giving a little. But sometimes there are so many compromises it feels more like a full-blown retreat. Once in a while I would step back and look at myself and say, "this is not who I am". I don't like to drink, I am not a vegetarian, I like to get home by 10pm from work.
Take this blog for example, at the beginning, it is a place to come and talk with myself. Now when is the last time I even talked about my life? More and more I try to add stuff to the blog to make it seem more interesting. Customized. To please the imaginary audience that I don't really have.
It is, really, my own fault. Intellectually I know it is impossible to make everyone happy. Yet there is always the desire to try then there would come the inevitable result of failing to please.
I sometimes daydream that I am a stronger person. Able to go that extra mile, to protect everyone I love. Sometimes I wish I can go without sleep and get that next report done, to squeeze in an extra hour to talk to someone I care. Sometimes I wish.
Yet in the end, I am only human and can only do so much. I am not even all that good of a person. Unlike some people who can just give and give like a never drying fountain. I dry up sometimes. When that happens I go away, to sleep my 14 hours and recharge, to take a run at night, to be by myself and examine my life. It is true, I came to accept that I cannot be good to all people all the time. Every so often I just need some time to myself. It is who I am.
So maybe that is how my life will run, like a comet circling the sun, inevitably drawn close by the gravitation and need, then inevitably going further away on my own journey into the unknown.