Fairytales Gone Wrong
Often, we read about the magical kingdoms in fairytales. The beautiful princess and the terrible dragons, the brave knight and his mission to rescue. The journies were long, the monsters terrible, and the missions difficult. Yet in the end, there are the happy endings. Now the less well known are the stories that didn't end quite so well, nor so pretty - these are the fairytales gone wrong...
Once upon a time, there was a fair and brave noble knight named Sir Galaham. He was not always the brightest chap on the block, but he was loyal and good of heart. As a child, he always knew he was destined for greatness. He worked hard and waited patiently. Until finally, the day has come at last, the King called for the heroes of his kingdom to rise up, and rescue the child of his heart. Sir Galaham joined the sworn in as a defender of the kingdom, sign the contract, and went out in search of the dragon.
Being lucky and having the distinction of being the protagonist of the story. Sir Galaham found the dragon quickly. He swiftly positioned himself a mere 200 feet away on an open field. The not-so-wise knight Sir Galaham then proceed with his pre-battle check in the open field, getting ready to do his knight's duty.
"One noble steed, check."
"One fire-breathing dragon, check."
"Princess...princess? Where is the princess?!"
"Oh, crap, the dragon is coming."
Fairytales gone wrong, Take Two
Having escaped from the dragon, Sir Galaham vowed not to do his battle check in the open field in front of the enemy again. Hiding behind a tree, he starts the sequence again due to his very short memory.
"One noble steed, check."
"One fire-breathing dragon, check."
"Princess...princess? Where is the princess?" Sir Galaham said incredulously as he point at the bearded man with long blond hair under guard by the dragon.
Poof, a forest guard appeared out of no where and said, "Sir, we are running short on princess, ever since we adopted Chinese's one child per family policy vastly more boys are born than girls. Well, you can understand. A king must have a male heir. So all we have is a prince here."
"Errrr," the noble knight weighted his options and asked, "do I have to kiss him after the rescue? The contract said I have to kiss the rescuee, but I thought I would rescue a princess."
"Well, of course you have to kiss the rescuee, all the proper fairytales ends with a proper kiss. Haven't you read any of them?"
"But that is improper! I want to talk to my lawyer." The noble knight protested.
"But we hired you because we didn't think there would be a problem. Aren't you Sir Gay-a-ham?"
"Gal-a-ham, with a 'L'" He said exasperatedly then added, "I want to talk to my lawyer."
Fairytales gone wrong, Take Three
Sir Galaham may have been slow, but he had the wit to hire the best contract lawyer of all kingdoms. He hired Sir Albert. The negotiation was swift and painless - like a sharp guillotine. Sir Albert argued that a rescue from dragon followed by a kiss would constitute a copyright violation and plagiarism from Brothers Grimm. There are simply too many similarities. To avoid massive lawsuit, the King decided to drop the kiss part. Sir Albert even did one better and made the King drop the marriage part too. Sir Galaham was horrified to have found that hidden section from his own lawyer and thanked him profusely for the outcome in the negotiation. Before parting, like a good lawyer, Sir Albert had some "free" advice for his client. Never mind that the fee was already paid, and handsomely I might add. Free is free.
"My friend, did you not find it odd you were the first one to find the dragon?"
"Well, I thought it was a bit odd, I was never that good at tracking."
"Well, did you know you were the only one to sign up for Defender of the Kingdom position?"
"And how could you not know the king's only child is a guy? You have lived in this fairyland for 24 years!."
"Sigh, next time, read the whole contract, and the parts written in Latin too, not just Old English.
"But I can't even read Old English. The bits and pieces of contract I only learned from oral fairytale stories."
"Oh, then it might be good for you to know this - remember to refer to the rescuee as 'princess' because while the dragon will guard the princess, it will eat the prince. So you must not let the dragon find out it has a bearded man with long blond hair and not a blond hair woman with too much testosterone as it was told."
With the kiss and marriage issue behind our hero. Sir Galaham grudgingly went back to the dragon to fulfill his knight's duty.
Fairytales gone wrong, Take Four
Arrived back at the field. Many thoughts rages in Sir Galaham's mind. Most of which consists of questions wondering how he got himself into this situtation. At last, with a sigh, he resigned himself and decide to get it over with.
Charging towards the dragon, Sir Galaham waved his sword theatrically in the air and shouted,
"Fear not, my fair...errr...lady, Sir Galaham to the rescue! Death to the Dragon!"
But he was stopped by a random woman holding a protest sign, "Halt, in the name of everything that is good, stop your attack!" The voice boomed across the valley.
"What in the name? I have a princess to rescue and a schedule to keep, I am a busy knight you know." Sir Galaham slowed to a stop in front of the angry woman.
"You sir, are in violation of Endangered Species Act of 1254."
"What?" (Knights are known for their bravery, but the constant bashing of blunt object against their head dulls the wits, the confusion is obvious on his noble face.)
"The Endangered Species Act, sir, passed just a year ago by PETA and with the blessing of Disney. Dragons are about to go extinct. We must protect the poor creature."
"But what about the prince...errr, I mean princess?"
"Princess is a necessary part of healthy living for any dragon, she is part of the habitat and thus may not be removed. The dragons gets depressed without a proper princess."
"But..." (The Knight protests feeblely)
"No but! The Chinese also frowns upon killing of their royal symbol, we must think of our foreign relations! No dragon killing!"
"But..." (The Knight looks tentatively at the dragon)
"Step away from the dragon!"
Thus ends the lesser-known fairytale of "PETA Protected Dragon and Sir Galaham." The end, and the dragon lived happily ever after.