I have found a cure for sleeplessness. The miracle is simple, just work 14 hours a day for a week. I slept like a baby during the 6 hours a day I have to myself. Strangely, with fewer hours left to myself I am more motivated to work on my own project. For more than a year I wanted to index my manga by mangaka, title, genera, and length for my completed series, it was finally done this weekend after many many hours of work -326 titles and all. Ironically, I no longer have the desire nor the time to read the manga now that I have it sorted and easy to find. Thus is life.
Would the story of my life repeat? When I am old, would I look back on my job, my work, and my life and have neither the desire nor time to review it? I would like to take steps to avoid that. Mental note - less TV tomorrow. So what might be important to me in the long run? What might I care about in years to come? If I find the answer to that I would at least know which direction to move.
I suppose I want the things everyone want. I want the betterment of self, the love of a few, and some space to think and to grow. Yet, there are some other things that might not be so common. I would like to show people my world, the plane in which I view the reality. I would like to tell my story, maybe through quotations or stories or art. Part of being human is the desire to define the reality around them. We name everything because we think by giving things a name we possess ownership.
My inability to define and express my world could be a common problem. After all, it has been 5000 years and mankind couldn't clearly describe this society. We are still coming out with new economic models, scientifically theories, and religious beliefs to justify what is 'real'. So Smith was replaced by Nash, Newton by Einstein, and Christians exists with Islams, Hindu, Budda, and Agnostics. Great artist has the ability to create, shape and present a whole world. Which might be the closest anyone can be to a god. It is no wonder I have problem with my dream. Maybe if I keep writing, keep programming, and keep painting then the pieces would fall in.
Do I have enough time? Does anyone have enough time? And ultimately, does it all really matter? Am I perhaps not simply asking the question "why" by trying to conceptualize and justifying my world? "Why am I"; "Who am I"; "What am I". If I find the words, program, or pictures that can represent my world, would I perhaps not find the answers to those questions?
other things I would like to work on.
1) finish sorting 364 Chinese songs, find their respective lyrics and file them into my music library.
2) continue learning php and mysql so that one day I can make a quotation database to my liking.
3)work out, some push up and sit ups. I would run a bit if this country isn't so hot all the time.
4) practice Chinese typing.
5) expand my vocabulary so that I might express my thoughts more clearly.
6)I would like to write a little everyday, maybe not as beautiful as what Anne writes, but I figure I would have to start somewhere.