Sleepless

2:23am and another sleepless night. There is that strange need to sit down and listen to someone. To share in someone's life. To unload someone's pain. Odd how most of the time i am perfectly fine living in my own world and sometimes the need for human contact is over-whelming. The need to understand how another human being feels . The need for another voice.

Sometimes, I just want to sit near a person and absorb myself in another person's life. To appreciate that person's existence. Not so much that I want to solve their problem or save the world, but I would like to for a brief 15 minutes be a part of his or her world - to understand the motives, the pains, the fears, and the dreams. Everyone lives on the same physical planet, but almost everyone lives on a different plane of existence. Occasionally, I just like to dip in and see how the world looks like through another person's glass. And for that brief moment I am filled with their sense of purpose and forget my lack of direction.

Sometimes, if they ask for help or solution, I try to offer it. But I have learned that you can't save a person who doesn't want to be saved. Sadly, I also came to the conclusion that the world itself doesn't want to be saved. No one wants to admit that they are broken, sometimes an offer of help can be offensive. I was taught that the hard way. Gradually I learned to just listen and not help needlessly. In the long run, a person has to help himself. Excessive help only weakens a person. Yet, it is hard not to extend a hand. I still don't know the fine line between helping and weakening. Listening never seems to hurt though.

Maybe the need to understand other people is a plea to understand myself. I don't understand myself at all and yet I can't stop questioning - why am I? who am I? Whence I came from and where is my destination? Maybe I am trying to find a world that somewhat resembles mine. Maybe I am trying to find a person with a similar background and outlook so I can tell that person how I feel. Who knows? Sitting here staring out into space is not helping the situation. 3:19am and another sleepless night. I should get some sleep so that i might be good for something tomorrow.

[Thoughts]

Beginning

I look over on the calender and it marks an oridinary Thursday. Like majority of the 365 days, today is nothing special. It is not a holiday, or my friend's birthday, or even a weekend. - Just your average day in an average life.

But today marks a new beginning; Today is a day of change; Today is the day i picked to start my life over. I don't want to look back 22 years from now and question, "What have I done with my life?" and i don't want to wait for new year's eve to change. After all, I waited 22 years now and it is time to wake up from this pleasent but surreal dream. It is nice to have dreams, but having not act on your dreams they simply melt away.

I would like to wake up and make my dream come true, so that other people may share in the beauty of my simple vision. Sacrifices has to be made and I won't get to do simply what i enjoy. Yet, I hope, in times of crisis I can look back at the blog and remember this moment of quiet determination. Here I stand my ground and I wish to make something of myself, and I wish to dream the waking dream. The best thing in the world is to have someone believe in you compeletly and then live up to that expectation. This is step one, and I am saying, "I beleive in myself"

Now go to class, and be productive.


[Thoughts]